Forgiving is the 1st step DAY 16!!
Jul 24, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCXUA-aMz1Q

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good morning everybody and welcome to
Monday the start of a brand new week and
brand new weeks come with fresh new
starts and that's how I look at it at
every single Monday it's just like okay
so whatever happened in the past we
can't go into the next week because it's
all fresh anyways
so today's Monday obviously that is my
counseling day so that's what I am doing
now I am actually getting ready to go
into my counseling session I love it it
is the most amazing feeling because I
know that it's always something that's
helping me and pushing me that much more
to heal so I can continue on this great
journey that I've started for myself so
anyways I just want to check in with you
guys and say good morning and I will see
you guys when I get out of my
appointment hey you guys so I just got
out of counseling and I just drove home
and I'm just getting here now so yeah it
was an amazing session as always it
always just recharges me and reconfirms
so many things that I'm going through
and I just love I love going to
counseling it you know some people are
like oh my gosh I just I don't think I
would enjoy it and you know honestly
it's such an amazing feeling it's so
refreshing and it gives me such great
tools to work with and the encouragement
that comes from my counselor is an
amazing amount and it always reconfirms
everything that I'm doing is right and
that I'm on track and yeah so anyways I
am just checking in because I just got
home so I'm gonna go see my babies and I
will check in with you guys here soon
hey you guys so
my husband my sweet dear husband
surprised me with some mommy time I
because it's been a crazy last couple of
days it's like I am like I need some
self-care time some downtime just some
kid free time and because I just haven't
felt a hundred percent I didn't feel
like going anywhere I just was like I
just want to stay home but what do I
want to do just staying home and I you
know I contemplated on you know reading
a book and you know catching up on some
shows and then I was like you know why I
haven't done my nails in a couple weeks
and I miss it so I thought you know what
I've got some nails that I had gotten
from Dollar Tree and I thought oh why
not try them they're just Dollar Tree
easy to apply
Nell's and there's sassy chick so I
figured well why not you know what's it
gonna hurt to just put some nails on and
kind of have some fun and just relax and
do something that I enjoy and doing my
nails it's very enjoying to me I find
that to be very therapeutic and so for
me it's like why not
sorry I was dying to thirst um so that's
what I'm gonna do and I thought well I
will bring you guys along so you guys
can watch me do my nails and maybe get
some tips of your own and try them I
love going to Swan sand getting my nails
done it's it's fun it is but at the same
time I sit and I think to myself I can
spend 40 to 50 dollars sometimes on up
to get my nails done the way that I want
them to be done and I have to do that
every two weeks that's like $100 a month
just a my nails and when you have goals
and dreams of things you want to
accomplish you know at some time point
in your life sometimes you have to make
adjustments and changes to be able to
work those things into your budget so
that you can still enjoy things that you
like but not be taking so much from what
you would be putting aside for your
dreams and so that is just one thing
that I you know that I seen that I can
cut out of our spending money and apply
that to our savings because you know
here in the future near future and I've
talked about this before we would really
like to buy a home and we would like to
be able to buy property and build our
dream home that's our goal that's what
we you know that's what we've set before
ourselves so to reach that goal it's
obviously gonna take a lot of
sweat hard work and sacrifices and you
know and that goes for every one of us
in the family we all have to sacrifice
things so that we can make our dreams
come true and so we have cut out
especially since my changes of life
changes we've cut out eating out I mean
we were eating out at least four to five
times a week now when you have a husband
that can cook and you all know he can
cook why are we eating out so much when
I could give him any idea and I could
say honey I'm really in the mood for
Italian food he if he doesn't know what
it is that I'm wanting he'll google it
and he'll YouTube it until he figures it
out and he will master it one way or
another and so we were spending easily
three to four to five hundred dollars a
month just eating out just just eating
out and that is a lot of money and you
know really if you're gonna eat out and
spend $500 think how much food you would
get from the grocery store for five
hundred dollars and I just it baffled me
and it really surprised me when we sat
down and went through our checking
account and I was just like oh my gosh
we ate out how many times this month and
we spent how much money and you know so
we buy our treats we get our things
every day like he likes his Red Bull I
like my Dutch brothers tea and that is
based into our budget but getting our
nails done getting you know our hair
done tanning things like that that I see
are not really necessities and it's very
expensive things those things can be
sacrificed so I can take that money that
I would be spinning and put that into
the bucket that airs for our savings and
that goes along with like I said by Nels
so if I can do my nails at home for a
dollar
and yeah they're gluin else but I can
also if I wanted to I could do gel nails
I can do acrylic I can do it all just
depends on what I'm wanting to do for
that day if I can do it myself
why am I gonna you know break the bank
to do it when I could just do it myself
so anyways I bought these and I thought
well I'll just give them a try I've
never done Dollar Tree nails before so
it's something new for me too
but I thought why not and see how they
turn out but I will take you guys along
trying to take them off the package um I
will take you guys along and show you
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you guys look that is my first hand and
hey for put you guys up for minute for a
dollar are you kidding me
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for a dollar I think I'm gonna be going
back getting some more girlfriend I like
the shape of them I really do I really
really really like the shape and they're
not really long which I really like and
the only one that I kind of goofed on
pointed because it would be too hard
I hate that's the only thing I hate
about my camera is it doesn't zoom well
but if you can kind of see right in here
there's just a little bubble and I tried
to push it out but it wasn't doing what
I wanted it to do but okay like the end
of the world I am really really really
liking these though I mean yeah I'm
lucky
now for the second hand let's go down
sound good
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really look good and then I was like
whoa what's the worst that's gonna
happen you know they're gonna look cheap
or look stupid and I can just rip it off
cuz that's just what I do but then and
they do have like a little bit of a
flimsy fill I'm not gonna lie but once
you get them on there okay
like they build they don't feel from and
if you I mean a few of them have a
little bit of a just like a little I
don't even know how to describe it but
like a little it's just I don't know if
it's from like when they made them like
on the sticks or whatever it just has
like a little piece of plastic that just
a little thing on it but if you buff it
down just a hair it comes right off like
there's you don't have to do it hard or
anything say they literally the little
plastic things come off okay so the
other ones that I got were these ones
and then I got those are all gonna be
really pretty I am now I'm really
excited to use them and in fact if you
wanted to technically and I could if I
wanted to I just don't think I'm going
to today you can put gel overlay over
these and they'll thicken up more but I
don't
they're just for fun just something to
do I think they turned out cute but and
you know like I said for a dollar you
can't beat it you could literally go and
get another pack if you had to to you
know if one popped off in the wound or
something I mean for a dollar how can
you bypass that up but I mean for fun I
just it's something it's nice and it's
relaxing like I really enjoy just
sitting there and doing that and it's
funny how even if they're just little
press-on nails how put together you fill
sometimes when you do something like
that so just having my just these on
make me feel like I'm so put together
and literally they're just
but cute I really like them so anyways
yeah that was my uh my fun fun thing to
do for myself I'm sure my husband's
probably like actually he did not know
that I was doing a quick set so I could
be telling him about I mean I'm just
slaving away keep out there go on keep
going
stay out I don't think but yeah tell me
what you guys do for your self-care time
and I run out of ideas
you know I there's only so much that I
like to do I don't like going to coffee
shops by myself or I I'm so weird I am
I'm very weird because a lot of people I
can hear say oh I go to a restaurant or
I go here or I go there and I just go
shopping by myself and it's like me I I
just you know I go shopping by myself
but it's just not enjoyable and I don't
know why because you would think that
it'd be so much enjoyable without how do
my kids which you know they can be a
challenging in the store sometimes
especially now that they're at the age
that they know about toys so they think
that it is buy toys every single time we
go into the store and we're have to tell
them and teach them that know not every
time we go to the store you're gonna get
a toy and becomes a big ol meltdown but
you know lessons are lessons but I I
don't like going shopping by myself I
love having my
and so but seeing home and doing stuff
it's so nice because it's in my comfort
zone it's in my safe zone and I get to
chitchat with you guys and that's always
amazing I love to chat with you guys in
fact you know when I was at counseling
today we had talked about you guys and
you know when just I shared with my
counselor which she knows my channel and
I believe she probably comes on and
watches and I'm sure she reads a lot of
the comments but you know just telling
her how awesome you guys are um telling
her how awesome you guys are and how you
know she's been wanting me to go to a
weight loss group for a while and
because of my anxiety I have a really
hard time doing that I don't yet feel
comfortable going into a group of people
even though we're all suffering from the
same things it just I don't know I just
don't I don't want to do that but she
was talking to me today and she's like
Amy a sounds like to me you've made your
own little weight loss group and I was
like yeah you know I mean I guess you
could consider it that way I said you
know I've got a lot of people that are
joining the weight loss journey and
they're working on their own weight and
if it's not weight that they're working
on there are so many other things that
people are working on that are sharing
with me there you know struggles and you
know what I said
it's I don't even look at this as a
channel I told her I said we are such an
amazing community of
people that are all gathering together
and we're all just encourage each other
and supporting each other up lifting
each other checking in with one another
it's just amazing and I just I couldn't
be more happier to share with her all of
the things about you guys and what you
guys are doing for me and helping me
stay on this journey and not wanting to
even mess up and when I say mess up I
don't mean by you know gaining a pound
or eating something wrong when I say I
don't want to mess up is I don't want to
veer back to my old habits I don't want
my binge disorder or my eating disorder
or my my emotional abuse part of my body
to get back into my addiction because I
don't desire to live that way anymore
and it's all because of you guys that I
don't I don't want that I want to see us
all succeed in our ways and you know
when I reassured her that I am aware
that we're all gonna have those days
where you know you just you just don't
feel it you know you you just don't have
it in you and that's okay you don't
always have to you know be on point and
perfect you don't I mean I've been out
of it for since Saturday that I haven't
done my wit my my weight loss but my
exercising you know medical stuff comes
first and you know I don't physically
feel like I can do it I'm not gonna push
myself and cut myself and I'm not gonna
allow my mind to beat me up though and
make myself feel like a failure because
I know in my heart that I'm still in it
even though I can't physically do my my
physical part yet but I'm so excited to
get back to it that's for sure
today is still a really heavy day I was
really hoping today would start to see
some changes but nope so I have a
doctor's appointment on Wednesday I
believe it's either Wednesday or
Thursday but I think it's Wednesday so
I'm really happy because I'm going to
talk to him if I'm still on this because
there's just way too much way too much
and I'm excited to tell him how much
I've lost and that's gonna be an amazing
feeling and I'm going to have to wait in
the morning that I go to the doctors but
I won't be uploading that weight loss
because that weight loss does not count
until Saturday so I just want to let you
guys know I will be weighing in on the
day of my doctor's appointment but I
have to do it for my charting but I'm
not counting that on our part because
I only weigh in with you guys because
that to me is the most important so
anywho I think I'm gonna call mr. Olly
home to bring the triple-n's back
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kind of want a salad again I can live on
solids though that's my that's my quick
go-to and I just don't know what else
sounds good
is I go to salad and I love my chicken
salad my chicken salad is my favorite so
I don't know if that's what I'm gonna
have or not I will surprise you guys
with the picture tonight I have not been
uploading pictures also just remind you
of what I've been eating because they've
been pretty much repeats so I've just
thought I would just tell you guys like
what I've eaten for the day because you
guys all see the pictures every day but
if there's something that changes in
like it's a meal that I haven't had yet
when we're checking in with one another
I hate when my head gets cut off when
we're checking in with one another then
I will post a picture up of those so
that way then you guys have an idea of
what I'm eating but if it's just a
repeat mil whether it be the solid the
breakfast sandwiches the eggs bacon or
the turkey sandwiches things like that
I'm just going to tell you guys what I'm
having and that way then it's not the
same picture over and over over and over
and over but different meals will be
placed one thing I did want to ask you
guys again is if you guys are wanting me
to input how many calories I made for
that day let me know if that's an
accountability that you guys want me to
hold with you guys
I can tell me up my calories for the
whole count before I do my closing video
for the day each night so that way you
guys know how many calories I took for
the day and how many calories I had
leftover like last night it was just it
was a bad night I mean I literally had
like almost a thousand calories left
over by the time I went to bed because I
slept so much yesterday that I didn't
have much time to eat
so today has been excuse me a little bit
better
I did I did eat my two solid Mills and
then a snack so I think I'm on point
with my allergies today nothing so
anywho okay I'm gonna go call him until
you can bring the kids home and I will
stop rambling and I will check in with
you guys here in a little bit and see
how things are going hey everybody it is
getting to be late I'm actually running
a little bit behind I was just like
doing some journaling today and after I
had some of my me time I just I really
wanted just to be able to sit and
journal and do some journaling and
reflection and that's always such a good
thing to do especially when you have so
much going on around you and your mind
is changing and your body is physically
changing things are changing that you
know you're not used to doing that you
eat well yeah you're not used to doing
them but you're starting to be able to
do them which is such a great feeling
and I like to write those things down
because as time goes by and you know my
life continues to change I can always go
back and look at those days that I was
really struggling to remind myself how
hard I worked to get to where I want to
be
so that I never want to ever take that
trip back and that was you can see where
you can see where I'm headed but you
know it's just it's such an amazing
thing to be able to go back and really
read those things as your healing and
your body's processing change
emotionally you know I I can feel
emotionally I'm changing now you know
when I'm under stress and stuff I will
normally use to if I knew there was just
say cookies in the cupboard
I would go and eat that entire pack of
cookies to just numb out just numb out
because they just couldn't face the
stress or whatever the circumstances
were at that moment and now it's like
okay when I'm facing a stressful moment
or I don't feel like I can succeed
something that you know is making me
nervous I write about it I
sure my deepest thoughts in my journal
because that's my safe place and I now I
know can sorry I'm I'm probably making
all of you guys the on um but now I can
feel like okay you know a cookie sounds
good and I want a cookie because I want
to treat and I can have a cookie and
still be okay instead of saying I need
that cookie because during the moment of
eating that cookie I can just full force
think about that rather than what the
circumstances are happening around me at
that time so I'm really learning how I
have used food to numb out to escape
that's been my escape for so long and
now it's like I'm facing things in such
a different
wait I am starting to deal with things
that are emotionally stressful and
physically stressful instead of using
the food and the drinks and anything
that I can grab onto that can physically
take my mind away from the mmm the issue
at hand even if it's for just five
minutes that's five minutes that I was
able to numb out rather than face the
problem and so it's it's been really
good today I really used a lot of time
to just do a lot of reflecting and a lot
of times I do that on Mondays because
Mondays are my counseling day and
sometimes we talk about some hard stuff
stuff that I dip into that I haven't
dipped into for a very long time and
before on Mondays before on Mondays
after my heart session I would leave and
I would go to fast food I would go and
load and I didn't know at that time that
it was me
nummy-nummy nowt from the pain from what
I just had to walk back down but that's
part of counseling is you have to
sometimes put yourself in the most
uncomfortable positions to heal that so
you can move past that and close that
door and not have to look back on it
again and so that's just been a learning
thing that I've just finally seen how I
used food so much for so many active
roles in my life and so it's a big deal
for me that I have changed this so much
because I think I finally am getting a
grip of where I have been going wrong
and you know and not not allowing myself
to judge myself and you know beat myself
up and abuse myself because so easily I
could be like Amy why why would you go
and get talk about after counseling like
that is so stupid like you know grow up
it's just food what is food gonna do for
you and you know I could be the most
worst critic and the most worst abuser
to my own self and I can't do that
anymore I have to be compassionate with
myself during this time and
as i feel like i need to use food for
that nummy now instead I grab my journal
and I just start writing and writing and
writing and you know I've written
letters to people and I don't send them
but it's such a big closure for me and
it's such a big healing process even
though I know those people are never
gonna receive those letters but it's
still such a big deal and one of the
letters that I'm gonna be working on
this week is
as a little girl I was molested multiple
times sexually and
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unfortunately I know a couple of them
that you know molested me
the one I mean they all they all
affected me no matter what they all
affected me but I think the one that
hurt the most was
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you should have felt safe with
I was already going through so much I
had just gotten taken away from my mom I
was being tossed from family member to
family member I didn't know what house I
was gonna be up next
I was just ripped away from my friends
thrown into a whole new school I was
only seven and
this person took full advantage of me
and the hardest part of it all was I
finally told I because I didn't want to
go back to this person's home and I'm
not saying names busy I really don't
feel that that's necessary
you know but I told because I I didn't
want to go back home I didn't want to go
back there and I was made to be the liar
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my family didn't believe me
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the sad thing is as my family still
doesn't believe me they think I was
brainwashed they think that you know
somebody told me to say the story when I
know deep down in my heart I know what
happened and the person that did it to
me knows what happened and I carried
that burden with me the rest of my life
it affected everything I wasn't allowed
to go spend the night at friends houses
because I turned into the predator I was
told I can't because I was sexually
molested how is that my fault how did I
do something wrong
but it was flipped and then I was made
to feel like I did something wrong I
wasn't allowed to play with the other
kids because what if she's gonna do
something nasty with them
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my life was stripped away and I carried
that burden for I want to say 23 years
and finally I confronted one of my
family members about it and she said
well you know Amy we believe that you
believe that happened and I said excuse
me they said well we believe that you
believe it happens and I said so you
don't believe me and they said well we
believe it happened but we believe it
happened in your your mind that was so
hurtful to know that this person still
got away with it and mm-hmm they got
away with not happy to spend time and in
prison because they fled the states and
statutory limits here in Oregon is 8
years so by the time they came back into
the state it had passed the time that
they couldn't be prosecuted and you know
it was so hard for me because I just
wanted to be validated
I just wanted my feelings validated I
wanted people to say I am so sorry Amy
that that happened to you you did not
deserve that this person is a pig this
person is a monster he deserves to rot
in hell he is the worst thing ever
that's what I wanted to hear but instead
this person was invited into my family's
homes around my cousins around other
kids and I'm not the only one that said
that he had molested other people there
are other kids that were saying that he
also touched them
but he got away with it and I've dealt
with it for many many many years and
emotionally you know I I know that
emotionally I used a lot of times the
food to numb me out from that hurt that
pain that rejection the neglect the
abuse everything everything I used food
for all of that and I stayed in my
corner and he died last year and the day
he died
I celebrated isn't that side
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I celebrated the death of the man that
took my innocence and destroyed me I
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celebrated it and that day was such
closure for me because I just sat there
and thought
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I didn't have to do anything this
punishment is far worse than I could
ever imagine
but in the meantime I have to continue
my closure my feeling and that is
writing a letter to him a forgiveness
did I forgive him he's not gonna own my
life anymore
he's not gonna own my fears anymore and
I'm gonna write my family that didn't
believe me and I'm gonna forgive them
I'm gonna forgive them for not believing
me I know the truth and that's all that
matters
and he died knowing the truth and that's
what matters
everybody else can say what they want
they can have their own opinions they
can they can feel whichever way they
want we both know the truth and I'm not
gonna let this only me anymore it's hard
this journey of life change is so hard
because I have to dip into some really
really bad things really bad things that
happen to me but at the same time I'm
healing each and every event and I'm
becoming a new someone
it won't be broken someone that is
strong and courageous and worthy of
healing and worthy of freshness starts
that's what I want
so that's kind of where I've been going
lately is when I'm having my hard times
I reflect back and I start writing
because all those feelings are gonna be
what heals me as I left them out on
paper and let them out to my counselor
and you know let those things out those
are all gonna be things that get me one
step closer to that healing mark to be
the brand-new me that I want to be I
want to be the best me that I could ever
be and not allow one person to take one
inch of me because I belong whole not
broken not like I was and not like I'm
going to be so yeah that was a little
deep but I really felt like I needed to
share that because you know as I open up
to you guys
little by little you're going to learn
so much about me and at the end of this
you're gonna see a strong person because
I'm not letting anybody destroy me and
take away from what I want to be
nobody's worth it to me anymore I'm
worth it
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anyways so today was a very long day we
had lots of things that we were doing I
got some me time I needed it and that
was the ending result was I didn't bite
nails and they turn does look good and
okay you guys probably wonder all the
time why does she have a different ring
on all the time girl you've got
different rings on constantly yes I am a
ring lover I love rings I have a
beautiful wedding ring it's put away in
a safe when we got it it's a size 10
nine and a half or a ten and it's just
too small but the way that it is set is
you only can get it sized 2 times in its
lifetime and I don't want to size it
until I'm fully down to where my fingers
are gonna be so that I can get it down
to my size and then be able to keep it
at that so it's tucked away in my safe
and if I have a picture I don't know if
I have a picture excuse me I will
I'll look and see if I have a picture if
I have a picture I'll post it up after
the video and you can see what my
wedding ring looks
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like but I buy rings like just to you
know switch them up and have fun and
just you know but right now I am so in
this is the one I got from Amazon today
I was so excited it's black and I've
never had one end for some reason I am
so into the black and I told my husband
I was like baby I love it and he's like
where did you get this one I was like
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but I just I love it and I think it was
total 1199 and I get free shipping
because we have prime so for a living I
mean I got a lien it's it's very I mean
it's it's big it's big and I just I love
it I really this is probably one of my
most favorite rings that I have owned
besides my wedding ring of course but I
mean this is this one you'll probably
see this one on my finger quite a bit
because I am just I'm so in love with it
yeah I do um I have like this one too
it's just a black one like a black band
and then this one I had ordered and they
goofed and they gave me a size I can't
fit that on my pinky it's just supposed
to be a band with some diamonds in it
and it's supposed to be an 11 and they
send me a size 5 Magee out of that's
just clearly not gonna fit I got this
one this one's also very pretty one too
my phone's not the best when it shows
probably not because my face is ugly
anyways it's a very pretty one too and I
I love this one this one well see and
that's what I bought this to go with it
because I wanted to put them together
kind of like my fingers aren't working
very well tonight but kind of make it
like that
not when they send me a size five ain't
gonna go anywhere and then I have this
one I have a ton more but there they are
tucked away but yeah I wish is my
jewelry Gort or I get lots of necklaces
and all sorts of stuff from there
and then I got like these things these
things are so cool look at that their
hair ties never in a million years would
think that they would use I thought
these were for just a chains no they are
here ties okay and then I got tons of
these oh my gosh look at these I'll just
show you the thing I got all these in
fact all of these come from wish
they're like marker pins and then these
ones oMG they are the best of pins they
write like see that okay it looks really
skinny and you're thinking oh God does
those aren't gonna let off any ink
mm-hmm nope they let off the most best
ink you could ever imagine
like I was so shocked to get those and
then I'm so excited look at me I'm just
going all out
okay so I got this one wish which is our
favorite friend um I got this necklace
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open it welcome pootie look at this
necklace oh he's so excited I am so
excited look at this necklace okay it's
a moon and then in the middle it's a you
guys gonna see it goodness am i okay
look there's the moon here is the heart
okay and then and it comes with multiple
little colored balls and then i bought
this i bought this plate right there so
i'll show you look at it it's all
different essential oils and you dab
them into the ball and then you open up
the little heart and then you have an
essential oil necklace and they're just
little
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they're like little bottles but I mean
really you're just gonna do a couple
drops it's not like you need a whole
bunch and they smell and I think I got
let me say one two three four five six
seven eight nine ten eleven twelve
thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen
seventeen eighteen I got 18 for a dollar
two dollars two dollars of these little
bottles well I mean for two dollars you
could go and buy how many more of those
if you want and just have them and you
can they're small enough you could put
them in the little tiny like carrying
case technically and put them in your
purse and wherever you're out whatever
you want I mean but they've got like
just I mean they've got violet they have
they've got mint honeysuckle lavender
lily lemon rosemary Jasmine Sanders tea
rose I mean I'm just I'm so excited and
then I have a couple more necklaces also
coming I ordered these two but the holes
look different huge way bigger than that
little ball that's like two or three or
four of those little balls so I don't
know what that was about but oh well I
could probably even trim them down if I
wanted to but yeah it's nice you know
every couple of days I get you know I'll
go on wish and maybe order like two or
three little items and it's just nice to
you know get a little something on the
mill every now and then it's just
something to kind of look forward to so
I was really excited about that and I
was extremely excited about my ring that
was just the topper for me I just was so
as I go oh my gosh um but yeah I just I
had a really good day today
it was a really good day and it seems
like things are getting back to normal
and I'm so excited because I get to
actually start walking again tomorrow
yeah I don't know if I'm gonna do my
dumbbells tomorrow I'm just gonna take
it one day are one step at a time and
see how I'm feeling and my doctor's
appointments actually on Thursday not on
Wednesday
so I think that's it I just I had a
really good day today it wasn't really
nice nice day
it's supposed to be let's see Wednesday
supposed to be a harm five and
Thursday's supposed to be a high seven
tomorrow's supposed to be 97 I think so
and I know what that has in store for us
but we stay around the house
so anyways well you guys take care I
hope you guys all had a wonderful Monday
and I just hope you guys have a
wonderful day tomorrow stay nice and
cool because it's supposed to get pretty
warm if you're anywhere on this side and
I will see you guys again tomorrow bye
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